The Origins of Jimmy Clausen
Lost in the scuttle and hype over the commitment of Uber-rekruit and newly-dubbed Muad'Dib of Arrakis, Jimmy Clausen, to the University of Notre Dame, is his true origin story. Whilst I reviewed the legend surrounding his birth, I could not help but draw a strong parallel between Jimmy and the genetically-created leader of COBRA, Serpentor.
Like Serpentor, Clausen was also introduced in the 1980s. Serpentor, with the help of a flying chariot and cobra bowstaff, took over the leadership of COBRA from Cobra Commander shortly after joining the terrorist cell. Serpentor was created through a breakthrough in cloning research by Dr. Mindbender from the DNA extracted from the unearthed remains of the most ruthless and effective military leaders in history, including Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Attila the Hun, Alexander the Great, Hannibal, and Genghis Khan.
Jimmy Clausen doesn't have a flying chariot, but rather a rocket arm which fires footballs over 60 yards through the air. Like Serpentor, he will inherit leadership of a vast (and some would say, evil) empire. But even more interesting are those donors who contributed to his DNA cocktail, and who were responsible for making him the smooth freak he is today. Yes folks--Jimmy Clausen is a clone. Let's take a look at the people who made Jimmy into a football-tossing, smooth-talking, spikey-hair wearing machine:
INHERITED: Lighting-fast arm reflexes, penchant for hurricane kicks, love for the good 'ol USA, and spikey blonde hair. 
INHERITED: Love of really, really, really, really, really bad music, hots for skanky (but wealthy) heiresses, penchant for showing off copious amounts of bling, and spikey blond hair.
Like Serpentor, Clausen was also introduced in the 1980s. Serpentor, with the help of a flying chariot and cobra bowstaff, took over the leadership of COBRA from Cobra Commander shortly after joining the terrorist cell. Serpentor was created through a breakthrough in cloning research by Dr. Mindbender from the DNA extracted from the unearthed remains of the most ruthless and effective military leaders in history, including Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Attila the Hun, Alexander the Great, Hannibal, and Genghis Khan.
Jimmy Clausen doesn't have a flying chariot, but rather a rocket arm which fires footballs over 60 yards through the air. Like Serpentor, he will inherit leadership of a vast (and some would say, evil) empire. But even more interesting are those donors who contributed to his DNA cocktail, and who were responsible for making him the smooth freak he is today. Yes folks--Jimmy Clausen is a clone. Let's take a look at the people who made Jimmy into a football-tossing, smooth-talking, spikey-hair wearing machine:
Guile from Street Fighter II: Champion Edition
INHERITED: Lighting-fast arm reflexes, penchant for hurricane kicks, love for the good 'ol USA, and spikey blonde hair. Brenda Warner
INHERITED: Love of football, plenty of DNA (presumably) from Super Bowl winning QB Kurt Warner, a Bible-thumping dedication to heavenly pursuits, and spikey-blonde hair.
The Russian Bear, Ivan Drago
INHERITED: 1850 pounds per square inch of face-caving punch, a taste for quality Russian Vodka, distain for the Politburo, and of course, spikey blond hair.
Nick Carter, member, Backstreet Boys
INHERITED: Love of really, really, really, really, really bad music, hots for skanky (but wealthy) heiresses, penchant for showing off copious amounts of bling, and spikey blond hair.The Thompson Twins
INHERITED: Nothing really. Except really spikey blond hair.
tale spun by Cherith Cutestory at 7:17 AM
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