Thursday

[Author's Note: The following entry is the first in a series of a semi-autobiographical diary entries which seeks to capture the spirit of a typical Thursday thru Sunday weekend during senior year at the University of Notre Dame. Many of the events occurred at different points in the space-time continuum, but for the sake of efficient prose are stacked back-to-back in this "Quintessential Weekend" story. Enjoy. -JPL]

Thursday:

3:30 AM: Bo, Joey, and Spider return from "bottomless cup night" at Senior Bar (R.I.P.), stumble in trying to be quiet by yelling “Shhhhh! Shhhhhh! Tony’s trying to SLEEP” at each other. Dishes crash and someone falls down the last three stairs into the basement.

3:31 AM: Somewhere in a bedroom with a rolled-up t-shirt over his eyes, Tony stirs and tries not to listen to the debate raging in what the participants believe is hushed conversation over the morality of slavery and Bo’s southern heritage. Are they actually talking about something so stupid? Of course they are. After about twenty minutes, merciful sleep takes hold.

8:45 AM: Wake up nice and early in one of the four bedrooms of the Drunken Donkey, prepared for day one of what is sure to be an amazing, action packed weekend of partying, and adrenalized by the prospect of a “Margaritaville” block-party that the roommates discussed over porch-beers from the kegarator the week before. Mass discussion was also had regarding the novel prospect of injecting cows with tequila to make “Moogaritas,” but that would have to wait for another day. Gotta finish selling those party-cups today.

8:50 AM: Commence to shower in the half-bath with just shampoo, throw on floor-worn jeans, a wrinkled polo, and a blue “ND” ball-cap. Head upstairs for a hearty breakfast of freezer-burned Eggos or, if there was milk, sugary turn-the-milk-chocolate cereal. Head out the door via bicycle or car (depending on whether there was steering-fluid for turning the old rust-bucket) to attend the three classes remaining for the week due to a cleverly devised Senior-year schedule. Instinctually, momentarily pause while walking by the Nintendo-64, but remember that there will be plenty of Kart time this weekend.

2:30 PM: After going to two classes, sandwiched around a trip to Lafortune to turn in a movie-review to the Observer offices, make the snap decision to skip on the non-required elective business course and return back to the house. It’s a beautiful late September day in Michiana—can’t waste all this sunshine by being bogged down in Accounting 101. Manage to sell about 15 cups to the party on Friday, bringing the total to somewhere —aw hell, lost count. Nevertheless, content with the knowledge that Friday night is gonna be huge.

2:45 PM: Enter the front door at the Drunken Donkey, throw the backpack full of school books behind the homemade bar, change into cargo shorts and sandals, and fix a lunch of consisting of a Meijer turkey sandwich, chips, salsa, and Diet Dr. Pepper. Try to be quiet, as Tony is in the other room taking a nap, and wonder why the hell he is so tired? After all, he didn't go out last night. Pull up to the bar and chow down, waiting for the rest of the roommates to arrive. Check email—about 20 more people emailing about cups for Margaritaville. Oh boy, time to head out and buy more shiny star stickers and red Solo cups.

4:00 PM: Tony wakes up from much needed almost two hour nap to the sound of Nintendo controller keys pounding in the spacious living room. Spider and Joey are playing Rainbow Road. Bo comes in shortly from class and complains about his latest MBA group project. Roomates are all finally assembled, whereupon the realization hits that the house is woefully short on food and other such items of sustenance (read: late-night snacks and toilet paper). The need to purchase a new keg is also readily apparent, but no one wants to go pick it up. The debate rages over who bought the last keg and whether it was Bud Light or Miller Lite. Thus, the debate on the keg shall have to wait until tomorrow. Bo and Tony head to Martin’s, but not before the roommates sit down for a quick game of Bond on the 64.

6:00 PM: Time to get ready for the night’s activities—but not before establishing a solid foundation for drinking. Use up the rest of the charcoal, lighter fluid, and left-over copies of the Observer to fire up the charcoal starters. Defrost what is left of the meager ground beef and chicken-breast supplies in the freezer and commence to grillin’ out back. Joey flips the burgers while Tony cuts up what is left of the lettuce, tomatoes, and onions. At least two “fireburgers” are created by Joey’s lack of dexterity. Twenty-minutes later, the roommates are all eating hamburgers, chicken and potato chips at the bar and watching back-to-back reruns of “The Simpsons” on the big screen. Bovine University and Tomaccos—classic television.

7:00 PM: After dinner, dump all the paper plates into the garbage bag sitting in the middle of the kitchen. From the living room comes the battle-cry, “KART!” The roommates all take their controllers. Tony flips on the stereo, and right away the thumping begins with “Feels right, the music sounds better with you…” Ah, the London CD, the unofficial soundtrack of Drunken Donkey Kart Races. Spider once again bitches up a storm about not being able to find his Mustard Plug CD—R.I.P. The characters are selected: Mushroom, Princess, Yoshi, and Wario. Do we dare run Toad’s Turnpike backwards in the Extra Level? No—there is plenty of weekend left. Onto the Star Cup Circuit at 150cc. Natives, the Landsharks, the Leaderkillers, and the Rainbow Road shortcut that nobody but Spider can hit. The first of the kegarator beers gets poured from the receptacle adorned by the patron saint of beer-guzzling, Homer J. Simpson, and his motto: “To Beer! The cause of and solution to, all of life’s problems!” Afterwords, Tony and Joey head to the library--a necessary evil to finish up some busy work antecedent to the great weekend ahead. Getting work done at home is not a feasible option.

8:45 PM: After saying hi to the regulars on the second floor of Hesburgh and getting through the 1.5 chapters of Intermediate Accounting, Tony's journal entries for Bond Amortization are looking pretty easy. Crack the can of beer stored in the backpack and pour into a tumbler. The buzz won’t kick in for another half an hour, plenty of time for a chapter of Statistics. Joey and Katie are giving each other eyes the isle way over, and Kevin appears from the double doors after studying upstairs. Joey senses a moment of levity is needed, walks to the red security phone on the wall, picks up the receiver and announces “Air Strike Approved.” That’s about it for any serious thought; head to the parking lot, bound for the Donkey.

9:00 PM: All the roomates are assembled once again. A group of three underclassmen chicks show up for pre-party drinks, which effectively ends the Kart marathon that the guys were planning. Girls tolerate the boys constant and sarcastic drubbing while huddled together on the couch in the living room. A darts game breaks out in the adjacent bedroom. The keg beer is now flowing freely. The girls are sipping their first, while the roommates are on about number three or four.

9:15 PM: Kevin arrives, toting a half-empty bottle of Jim Bean. Almost instantly, he calls the girls “sluts and whorefaces” and challenges them to drinking games at the bar. A game of Shout-Out! begins. The dart players eventually join in the festivities.

9:25 PM: The roommates tire of the Shout-Out!, leave the women in the company of Kevin to go get ready for going out. From various piles of clothing strewn about the bedroom are found the finest clubbing clothes: the smoky, crunchy dark jeans from last weekend’s excursion to Corby’s, and the black polo that is a few sizes too small. Stop by the bathroom to throw some gel in the hair up the hair and put on some cheap cologne to complete the ensemble.

9:35 PM: Joey won’t leave the bathroom as he just can’t seem to find the balance between control and casual. The Joey Juice goes in, and gets washed out. Techno is blaring from his room. He claims to be finishing a paper for his Arts and Leisure symposium or something. Everybody else enters the bar area to find that Kevin has already helped himself to the kegarator, filled two full-pitchers of beer, and dealt several hands for a game of Asshole. Hands and rules aplenty are had, during which Tony attaches Kevin as Bo’s caddy, and Spider is forced to call Tony “Great One” when addressing him. Curiously, a girl remains Asshole the entire time. Everyone decides that Joey will be the game’s namesake when he comes upstairs.

9:45 PM: Asshole continues. The Trio is also technically at the table with cards, though they are having a tough time concentrating. The Thumbmaster stuff is driving Joey crazy. After a particularly contentious hand, Bo throws Joey into the wall for calling him a “business student” (he claims to be an engineer), leaving a nice big crater in our paper-thin plaster walls. An argument ensues. Kevin assuages the tension by dumping two full pitchers of beer upon himself in the middle of the bar area. The shocking nature of Kevin’s actions releases all tension, and the crew goes back to playing Asshole.

10:30 PM: The kegarator yields its last bit of beer with one last spurt of foam. The keg is kicked and the CO2 is nearly out. Undeterred, Kevin pulls out from behind the bar a bottle of Tanqueray Vodka and the handle of Jim Beam. Shots of vodka and bourbon all around.

11:00 PM: A honk from outside lets the house know that the cab is out front—time to head to Heartland. Go time. But wait! Bo has only had one beer (so he says). Seems he was talking on his cell phone (which he will lose by the end of the night) with a girl and couldn’t play Asshole. Nobody remembers this, but takes his word for it. Perfect--time to save two dollars a head. He catches hell for his absence, but in the end we’re happy for the ride. Pile in Bo’s Van. There are 15 people in the van and most have a healthy roadie--roomates start to wonder where the hell all these people showed up from! During the ride, Kevin twists a few nipples and tells one of the crappy underage girls that she needs to go one of us a favor, stop talking and put a penis in her mouth. She smacks him from the backseat, and Kevin gives her a high-five.

11:25 PM: Dropped at the alley outside Heartland. The warmth of a sunny day has yielded to the freeze of a moon-filled South Bend night. Stand in line with lots of girls wearing skimpy little clubbing outfits who are shivering and breathing clouds in the frigid night air.

11:45 PM: Pay my one dollar cover, show my student ID and emerge into the sweat-pot that is Heartland on a Thursday night. Everyone knows everyone. The same hot girls still think they’re hot, but if you look closely no one really talks to them. Dispatch Joey to the bar to buy Rum and Cokes; catch up with a buddy from sophomore year Marketing group. Didn’t realize that girl who was so quiet when discussing market niches could put down booze like that. Make a note to talk to her as soon as possible. Stop by the bathroom for a much-needed piss and then its up to the top level bar. Joey is counting heads and hands the bartender a twenty-spot for one-dollar well drinks. What do we want? Ten rum and cokes and ten Jack and cokes will do fine, thanks. Carry our wares to the top level, looking out over railing at the mass of humanity shuffling and grooving amongst the many on the flashing dance floor.

12:00 AM: O’Neill is having a dance next week, and it’s time to find a date- ask the girl from Novels of Empire. Spider sees a girl he made out with last weekend, but can’t remember her name. He decides to play it cool and try to chat her up. He succeeds. Joey finds Tony and asks him to help him find Kate; he didn’t wear his glasses or contacts and can’t see anything. The dance floor is a blur of lights for him, but she’s out there somewhere. One of Three wants to dance, but it’s not 1 AM yet. There’s still time for a couple of more drinks.

12:15 AM: Start playing pool and talking game with the hot chicks from the Monday morning class. Somebody asks why Kevin smells like a brewery. More trips to the upstairs bar.

1:30 AM: Lost track of how many one-dollar drinks have been had. Sick of watching “Blade” on the TV screens, head down to the dance floor to wiggle it with a classmate or two.

2:30 AM: The lights come on. Begin to stumble around looking for friends and roommates for the trip home. Several have new “friends” that they are going to be bringing back. We look for Bo, but he apparently left with some hammered St. Mary's girls that needed rides home. Now he's not answering the cell phone.

3:00 AM: It’s late, it’s cold, and there aren’t any cabs. A few people in the group are lucky to steal a cab from some people waiting outside Finnegans, but everyone else must fend for themselves. Decide to walk home through the ghetto. The girls come along, and complain the whole way about being cold or their feet hurting or something. Who’s that with Spider up ahead? Find out later that Spider actually does get to Fat Shirley’s with a girl and ends up walking back home to hook up a few hours later.

3:30 AM: Open the door at the Drunken Donkey—smells like dead beer and fireburgers. Turn on the light switch and blindly stumble towards the kitchen for a keg beer while yelling “Kart!” Turn on the beer tap 4 or 5 times before remembering that we killed the keg earlier that night. Decide water is probably the best idea anyways.

4:00 AM: After several games of Kart, followed by the first half of “The Rock" ("Airstrike approved!") everyone eventually dribbles off to bed.

Next time: Friday, the official start of the Quintessential Weekend.