Separated At Birth?

Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations Chairman

Senator Norm Coleman (R-Minn)

Department of Homeland Security lackey and sexual predator

Miles Papazian from the TV show "24"

2 Men Enter, 1 Man Leaves...

"Remember where you are. This is Thunderdome."

It is a time where nuclear war has erupted across the world, and the stable foundations of civilization have all but disappeared. In the wasteland that remains, a lone warrior named Mad Max stumbles across the seedy community of "Bartertown", founded and nominally run by a sadistic matriarch named Aunty Entity.

The controlled chaos of Bartertown is maintained by one inflexible law that states that no deal can be broken, no matter what. When those bonds of trust and honor are seemingly broken, the residents rely on one method of law enforcement: "Thunderdome", a gladiatorial-esque arena where conflicts are resolved, turning what is arguably a political assassination into a lawful act.
The rules of "Thunderdome" are simple:

"Two men enter. One man leaves."

In times of yore, when seemingly unresolvable conflicts would arise between the men of the Drunken Donkey, the only honorable way to sow the seeds of accord would be Thunderdome. The method was simple:

• Start a conversation which results in a conflict of opinion from which neither party will back down.
• When this conflict arises, one or both parties invokes "Thunderdome."
• Those present must form a ring of people approximately 10' in diameter.
• Give each spectator enough alcohol to last approximately 10-15 minutes.
• Break the ring long enough to let the two combatants enter the center.
• Give each man a beer, preferably in a yellow plastic Solo cup. Keep the keg and/or cases of beer just outside the circle.
• Start chanting, "Two men enter, one man leaves!" Repeat.
• Upon the start of the chant, both men must begin chugging beers. When one runs out, the nearest spectator must refill his cup and/or get him another beer. This continues non-stop until one combatant cannot withstand the sudden onslaught of the alcohol tidal wave and boots.
• The non-booter is declared the winner, and his viewpoint rules the day. Nothing more is ever to be said on the subject.

If the United Nations ever got wind of this idea, there would be no more war amongst countries.

You disagree? I invoke "Thunderdome."

RUN TO THE CHOPPA!!!

"Come on! Kill me!! I am here! What are you waiting for! Do it!!! C'mon, kill meeeeee!!!! Kill me, I am here, kill meeeeeeee!!!"

Atlanta: Jump On It, Jump On It, Jump On It.

And so we come to it at last, the great weekend of our time.

The pieces are all in place.

Ms. Cutestory has left these shores. She has followed her people to the North, to the icy kingdom of Chicago, to partake in the annual ritual of bathing in the green-tinted waters.

Meanwhile, a conspiracy in the South has begun. The Spider landed in Nashville under cover of darkness last night. He has persuaded me to forsake the comforts of home and shall ride along side me in my silver chariot all the way to the mysterious land of Atlanta, to meet with the military warrior Tony, and the bean-counter Kevin.

There the FELLOWSHIP OF THE dRINkinG will renew its never-ending quest to keep the dream alive, to restore mirth and merriment to the galaxy...and perhaps answer that eternal question: "Who's Party? Bad Time!"

I'm glad they're all here with me. Here at the end of all things sober.

Five Questions

I can't take credit for this idea, but I thought it would reverberate with this crowd and spark some interesting discussions. So, without further ado...

1.) What is the worst DVD/video you own?

Mine has got to be updated version of "Flight of the Phoenix." Whatta piece of crap movie. And I like Dennis Quaid. But I couldn't have been less interested in the storyline. So--they crash. Why? I really don't remember. I do remember wishing that all the passengers had died, because not a single one was likeable. Oh, and the movie starred Tyrese--Tyrese for f-sake. The ending was absolutely abyssmal--they fly off into the sunset. Let's forget for a minute that they have zero gas. They're still in the middle of the desert. And criminally--they end it with the "plane" flying up over the hill. WTF? So, we won't actually watch them get rescued...we'll just fade to black and assume it all went to plan, what? Shitty, shitty movie. If I had more hands, I'd give that movie 4 thumbs down.

2.) What is the worst concert you’ve ever seen in person?

Easy--Dave Matthews Band. Which is has got to be a coup, because believe it or not, I've seen both the Screamin' Cheetah Wheelies and Nelly live in person. In my defense, I saw the show back before society began to realize that every DMB song sounds exactly the same. It was my freshman year in college, right after Crash was release and became the ubiquitous soundtrack of college life. Walking through the Quad? "Too Much." At a Party? "Two Step." Making out back in the party room during SYR? "Crash Into Me." It penetrated us, surrounded us, and bound our campus together. It was only fitting that I bring it full circle with a live performance, right? Well, turns out that Dave was feeling under the weather that night. So instead of peppering us with rhythmic falsettos and growls, the band gave us 15-minute f-ing violin solos with a few lyrics sprinkled here and there. And the set and the venue sucked butt--big time. So Dave, know this--I'd rather sit through St. Lunatic improv rap and be blinded by shiny gold teeth for 90 minutes than experience your droll, repetitive shit ever again. Guess you don't have "so much to say" now, do ya bitch?

3) What is the worst experience you’ve ever had at a restaurant?

London--1999. A group of 150 students just arrives that morning for a six-month semester of study abroad. Feeling unbound and brave, a few of us walk around the block to the first exotic restaurant we can find, which turns out to be an Indian restaurant. As in dot--not feather. We sit down and look at the menus, only to find that where there are supposed to be words there are Microsoft Word wingdings and what look to be hieroglyphics. So, do we ask for assistance in ordering? No--the stupid Americans order 4 entrees and a side of bread with 3 different colored sauces. 40 minutes later, the food arrives. 5 minutes after that, the group realizes they've made a horrible mistake, as nobody can eat this food. A waiter arrives expecting simply to fill water, and instead the stupid Americans ask for the check. Who should bring it back but a burly looking Bollywood crime boss who explains in his polite Indian accent that we've insulted both himself, the restaurant, the other patrons, and indeed the other 7 billion citizens of his country by ordering food we had no intention of eating. I was on the ground in England for less than 8 hours, and already I've made myself persona non grata with the natives. Sweet. The stupid Americans walk somberly back to their flats, where we're just too sick with ourselves to cook up bangers and mash. We never went back. But the good news is, I am finally eating Indian food again. It only took 6 years.

4.) What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen in the theatre?

"Love Stinks." Don't believe me? Just read my review.

(Pop-Up Trivia: I actually walked out the theatre 15 minutes into the movie. No lie. And there were two people humping silently twelve rows back. Worst movie experience ever. I've hated French Stewart ever since.)

5.) Who is the worst looking or least appealing celebrity you would have intimate relations with “just to tell the story”? Assume marital or other obligations did not exist. Assume no consequences arise therefrom. Here’s where we find out just how disgusting my readers are. The person must be a celebrity though - as in needs no introduction or explanation. The opposite gender is not required.

Hmmm....this one is a toughy. Probably have to go with either former Attorney General Janet Reno or Sarah Jessica Parker. Why Janet Reno? Because I'll bet during pillow talk she'll tell me all the juicy details behind the Clinton administration scandals. Why Ms. Parker? You might think that she doesn't count as a "worst looking" or "least appealing celebrity." But she does to me. She looks like a damn Kentucky Derby winner shaved down to the bare skin. Everytime I see ol' horseface on a GAP commercial it makes me wanna get her a feed bag just so I don't have to look at her. Plus I found her to be gratingly annoying on Sex and the City, but that is just a bonus.